I had a wonderful baby shower before each of my girls were born. I recieved so much love and blessings. I received a stack of cards assuring me I was going to be a wonderful mother. My child would love me. I would be amazing. This little baby was going to be blessed because it got to have me as a mother. You know the standard Hallmark drivel.
All those messages were appreciated, and in my about-to-be-momma state, I really needed the support they offered, but now ten years into mothering I think that it would've been merciful if there had been one other card given to me. It could have been small, and hidden among the positive ones, it would've said on the outside:
Momma, you are going to suck.
One glorious day you will suck as a mom in ways
that will amaze even you.
You will go up in flames of suckiness...
You see, this is the truth as much as the glowing cards saying we'll be wonderful. There will be many, many nurturing days, and great decisions, and building up of fragile idenities, but across the years there's going to be a day when a mom would appreciate the forewarning that she's going to SUCK. At least then, when that day comes, it would't be such a 2 by 4 to the heart.
Last week my friend Manya and I both sucked. Big time. (Manya has graciously agreed to fall on the ax with me here for your benefit.) On Sunday I received a text message from Manya saying they were going to look at a puppy. This may seem like a nice text under different circumstances, but I know my dear Manya, and like me, she is not a pet person. When I saw the message, I immediatly called her, but got voicemail. "Walk away from the puppy." I warned. "Do not get a dog. You do not want a dog. Walk away from the puppy!"
She didn't get the message. There's a cosmic force around puppies anyway. No one walks away from the puppy. We all see our kids playing with the cute puppy, we imagine our mommy-awesomeness and say "yes". They got the dog.
Cute little Sawyer was not with them long before reality hit. This was not the right season for them to have a dog. Emotional mayhem ensued and Manya was facing the moment no one wants to face - big blazing sucky momness! The dog had to go. They broke it to the boys before school. Naturally there were tears. Lots of tears.
I followed right on the heels of my dear friend. Last Friday in the dark pre-dawn hours I found myself going up in flames. Sarah's class had a big field trip to Charlotte for the day. They were to take the train, be there all day, and return in the evening. I had prior plans for Friday so had decided not to go. At the parent meeting, one dad told me, "Every parent goes." The moms at the meeting tried to make me feel good saying many moms would not go. My heart told me the dad was right, but I tried to block that out and listen to the moms. The day of the trip arrived and Sarah freaked out. The day before her friend had told her she was the only one without a mom going.
We had hours of tears and panic and hysteria (maybe more on my part than Sarah's). I felt like dirt. We pulled up to the train station and Sarah pleaded with me, "please go!" But by that point I couldn't. For a mom that has prided herself on being there for her girls, it broke my heart. I left Sarah at the train station, with a tear stained face and no mom to stand with as the class gathered together to pray for a safe trip.
Last week both Manya and I needed that little card warning us about our upcoming suckiness. In the midst of our guilt and tears we could have pulled it out and reminded ourselves that we'd been warned this day was going to come. We could open up the card to read the inside.
On that day, when you really, really suck, don't worry.
I love this little kid I am sending you even more than you.
Although you'll have days you drop the ball, I won't.
When those sucky days come, I'll have your back.
Love, God
Both of us could have read our cards and laid down our burdens of guilt, knowing that God was going to pour into our kids exactly what they needed that day.
God provided an out for Manya through her brother-in-law who wanted Sawyer. Now the kids will still get to visit him and play with him. On the day Sawyer moved, Manya made cupcakes for the boys after school. She was ready for tears and drama when they walked in the door, instead she was greeted with hugs and love and gratitidue over the cupcakes. Amazing.
Sarah jumped off the train Friday night like a successful voyager back from an amazing adventure. She was glowing and happy and so proud of herself. She had 140 pictures to show us from her day. When I tucked her in. She gave me a hug and said. "It really was okay mom."
God used the messes Manya and I created, our blazes of suckiness, to teach both us and our kids about love and forgiveness and grace. Lessons that couldn't come through our perfection. So fellow mommas, if today you find yourself going up in a spectacular blaze of suckiness, lay down your guilt, and lift up your eyes... He's got your back.
May you feel God pouring love and forgiveness and grace into your home as well.
May you feel God pouring love and forgiveness and grace into your home as well.
