Waving the White Flag

My Voices of Friends Series continues today with Amy Carroll.  I love this women!  If you don't already follow her blog, hop over and subscribe.  Amy is a speaker with Proverbs 31, and is releasing her first book this summer!  

I dreamed my whole life of becoming a mom, so why was the reality so hard?

As a little girl, I loved on my doll babies and swept out the housekeeping center. Practicing feeding my “family” with mud pies made from the sandy soil and pine needles of eastern NC was my summer pastime. As I grew, helping in the church nursery was my favorite activity, and I made all my extra money with babysitting. Eventually, education became my chosen profession. Becoming an elementary school teacher just fed my love for small children ….

And then I had one of my very own.

Anson Gray Carroll, my rolly polly infant, was born on February 20, 1994 after almost a year of trying without success to have a baby. Just as we were considering fertility treatments, a simple test confirmed the joy of conception. Anson was longed for, and he was deeply loved. I remember looking into his beautiful baby face that first day of being a mom and thinking, “Everything has changed. All my priorities have fallen into place. I’ll never feel needy for anything again.”

But that wasn’t true, because none of the satisfying aspects of being “mom” quenched the struggle in my soul.

Suddenly, a list-making-girl couldn’t complete a task as simple as a shower. My schedule-loving-soul resented my husband’s ability to set his own work agenda while mine was set by a person who couldn’t even feed himself.

I was no longer called “teacher”, a job description that had defined much of my identity. What was my purpose now? The world around me didn’t seem to think “mom” was a worthy title. I remember visiting my mother-in-law’s school for lunch one day with Anson only to have the principal shake his head and mutter, “What a waste,” as I walked by.

While I longed to feel the overwhelming feelings of peace and nurture, I increasingly felt like I was losing myself and what I perceived as purpose. So I fought.

I wrestled.

I resented.

I chaffed against motherhood.

Until one day, when God used the title of a secular book from the mouth of an unbelieving friend to set me free from the struggle.

As we stood in the preschool line to pick up Anson, now 3, and her twin boys, my friend started telling me about a revolutionary book she had just finished. The title of the book was Surrendering to Motherhood.

I remember that conversation and the title of that book as crystal clearly as if it was spoken yesterday. It was 17 years ago, but that one phrase…Surrendering to Motherhood…changed my perspective in a moment and has changed my mothering ever since.

It sounds strange, I know, and you may wonder how that translated into my everyday life. Here are 3 lessons I learned as I waved the white flag:

1. Take a deep breath and relax your grip. My control freak tendencies took a choke-hold grip on me when Anson was born. So much became beyond my power that I tilted toward anxiously grasping for control and micromanaging the joy out of life. When I started relaxing into the crazy ride, letting the schedule flex, and intentionally enjoying the rising and falling pace of my own child, the benefits of surrender began to be evident.

2. Stretch open your hands. Clenching my hands, trying to control everything, God’s showered blessings fell to the ground uncaught. As I began to release the idea of perfection and my controlling ways, my hands were open wide to receive God’s blessings for the day—like a slow walk around the block admiring every bug on the sidewalk along the way. It also allowed me to receive grace for my imperfections and take joy in the mom journey created uniquely for my children and me.

3. Fling your arms wide. Celebrate the mom God created when He created you! As Jill Churchill says, “There is no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” Here’s what I want to urgently whisper to you today. You are perfectly made. Really. God has uniquely created you to be the just-right-mom for your children. Being your truest self is not only a gift to you, it’s your greatest gift to your children. As they see you follow God in pure contentment with how you’re made, they will then be free to pursue their truest, God-created self as they grow.

Things subtly but powerfully shifted for our whole family when God changed my mind, and I surrendered to motherhood. You try it now.

Raise the white flag.

Breathe.

Unclench your hands, and open them to God’s blessings.

_____________

Amy Carroll’s passion is living the untied life.  She loves to see women freed into the matchless pleasure of deep relationship with God and others.  Amy is a member of the Proverbs 31 Ministries’ speaker team and the blissful director of Next Step Speaker Services.  She lives in NC with her 3 favorite guys and a little, red dachshund.  You can find her on any given day typing at her computer, reading a book or trying to figure out one more alternative to cooking dinner.  Visit Amy at www.amycarroll.org and find out more about her speaker coaching at www.nextstepspeakerservices.org.

It wasn't a burning bush ... it was a stupid refrigerator

I have been blogging this month about my friends, and I am excited to announce that over the next few weeks you are going to get to meet some of them.  Five wonderful, witty, and faithful friends will be guest blogging here on The Celebrated Family.  I can't wait for you to meet them all.  First up Lindsey Wingo from Missional Motherhood.  

In our previous rental house, we were able to put an extra refrigerator in the garage for food overflow...only, it didn’t work out quite like we hoped.

Somehow, that old refrigerator tripped the downstairs breaker from time to time turning itself completely off when we least expected it. The first time I discovered this unfortunate situation, I found a giant bag of frozen mixed berries in the freezer completely melted. So much for those smoothies! Just when we thought it was safe to store some food in it again, it tripped the breaker and totally shut down. Bottom line is, it was unreliable, it was using up more energy than it was worth, and it became a nuisance rather than a help. 

One morning, after a busy weekend, I woke up early for the first time in several days to take in God's Word and sit in His presence. The night before I found myself frustrated, anxious, stressed, and feeling guilty because I knew I had been short-tempered and easily agitated that day. I was letting my focus shift from what I knew to be true, that God would provide for all of my family’s needs and is in total control of our lives, to worrying and showing a complete lack of trust in the God who, even though He doesn't have to, has proven Himself faithful time and time again.

That morning, as I remembered I left some groceries in the downstairs refrigerator, I thought to myself, "If that stupid refrigerator turned off again in the middle of the night I will be so mad!" I made my coffee and sat down to read my Bible. I was reading in Jeremiah and something interesting stood out to me. God used very practical, everyday situations to speak to Jeremiah, make certain points, and then pass on those words to the Israelites. As my mind wandered toward that thought, I remembered how Jesus often spoke in parables during his ministry on earth and constantly gave practical life lessons in ways the people would understand. Then I remembered the refrigerator…

What was its problem? It was not broken, it was just unreliable hooked up to its current power source. We put food in, it stayed on long enough for us to reconsider trusting its performance, then before we knew it, we had melted berries. I am far too often like that refrigerator. I'm unreliable. I take in spiritual food, sometimes very consistently, and then before you know it, it's been days (or even longer) that I've failed to feast on God's word or spend time with the one who sustains me, making it quite evident in the rotten things that come out. Can I be trusted with a word from the Lord? Can I be depended on to cultivate and preserve the Word of God in my heart, or will it become a rotten stench in His nostrils in the way I go on ignoring His truth. Just as the refrigerator preserves physical food in order to feed our growing family, is the spiritual food deposited into my soul being then poured out in order to feed those around me, or am I holding it in, letting it waste away inside me?

This gentle reminder from the Lord spurs me on in my faith, reminds me of the utmost importance to stay "plugged in" to my true source of power, and not allow His word to sit and sour in my heart. May I become more like Him so that I can be depended on to preserve the Word He's given and faithfully share it with others in my sphere of influence. May my husband and children not get the rotten stench of my flesh, but the pleasing aroma of Christ in me.

***

Lindsey Wingo is the wife of Worship Pastor, Ryan Wingo and together they have two daughters, Ivey (3), and Ruthie (1). She is currently a stay-at-home mom and spends her days among piles of toys, sippy cups, laundry, and groceries. Lindsey has a passion for women's ministry and loves nothing more than conversing with a fellow sister in Christ over a hot cup of coffee…and chocolate of course! With a newly rediscovered love for writing, as well as a desire to encourage other mom’s, Lindsey recently launched a collaborative blog for mothers at missionalmotherhood.com.  Lindsey also enjoys writing letters to her daughters on her personal blog, which can be found at lindseywingo.blogspot.com. 

What do your friends say about your faith?

Last week I started a series about what our friends say about us.  Based on the saying, "You are the company you keep,"  who our friends are, and what they talk about with us,  can tell us a lot about ourselves.
 

So what do your friends say about your faith?  I don't mean this literally.  If we claim to be a Christian, our friends probably would say some canned cute answer about our faith.  Instead, what do your conversations with your friends say about your faith?

Do they say you are growing in your faith?

Last week my friend Kimball called me out of the blue.  I was so happy to get her call. We are crazy in so many similar ways - and crazy loves crazy!  We immediately dove off into a wacky conversation, within 7 minutes we had covered 6 topics and Kimball was sharing with me an area in her life that the Lord is working.  After I hung up the phone, that aspect of the conversation lingered with me.  I am so grateful for friends like Kimball who know I am striving to grow in my faith, so they feel comfortable sharing with me where they are growing.  We are kindred spirits on the same journey and I am blessed they recognize that.

Are your friends sharing their faith walk with you?  If not, why?  Do they know that you are striving to grow in your faith, and would be interested in hearing what the Lord is doing in their life?  If not, start the conversation yourself, and let your friends know you're on this journey with them.

Do they say you are a Titus women? 

(Church-girl definition:  "A Titus Women" is a reference to the book of Titus which encourages older women to mentor younger women.  And stay out of too much wine.)

In 5 months I'll be 40.  I think I'm 20, but I'm not.  Even if I was 20, there'd be a 16 year old around who needed a Titus woman in her life.  God calls us to turn around and help our younger sisters in their marriages, parenting, and faith walks.  Last Friday I had such a great day. From 10:00 - 2:00 I went from coffee to lunch with two sweet younger sister-friends.  I adore these two women, and I'm privileged to talk with them our faith and marriages.  I am honored by their friendships and the trust they have in me to ask me for advice, and listen to what I have to say.  (I was such a train-wreck at their ages, that I just stand in awe of both of these women!  I love you ladies!)

If you are 30+ do you have a friend that is at least 10 years younger than you?  If not, you need to go find one!  Ask a younger women at work or church out for lunch.  I bet she'd love to have you in her life.

Do they say you are a safe person to talk about faith with?

Perhaps the loudest thing our friends say about our faith, is what they don't say.  Can your friends safely talk to you about your faith even if they don't agree with you?  Do you have any non-believing friends that will talk to you about God?  If not, that silence should be deafening.

My friend Lisa and I have different views on our Creator, but we both respect and love one another.   A few months ago I got a text from her that said her son was interested in reading the Bible and she'd told him Ms. Wendy might have a suggestion.  Heck yeah I have a suggestion!  Thanks to Amazon Prime Ethan had a youth boy's devotion bible two days later.   I was so honored that Lisa knew she could safely have that conversation with me - and any conversations that come in the future.  Lisa is an awesome mom.  She is intentional in the way she invests in her kids.  The fact that she could trust me tells me she knows my faith is one of love, and not judgement.  It tells me she knows my faith is authentic to my life and who I am.  She is too good of a mom, to trust her kid's questions to anyone, so I am so glad she trusted me.

Are non-believers talking to you about your faith?  I hope so.  If you hope to have any impact in your world, you have to start by being a safe person.

I'd love to hear about your friends, and what they say to you about their faith - and perhaps your own.